Coping with Loss and Grief

by Heidi Levine, Ph.D.
Director, Lauderdale Center for Student Health and Counseling
SUNY Geneseo

Losing a loved one or friend to death is one of the most difficult challenges we face in our lives. When the death is sudden and involves young people that challenge can be even greater. As we deal with grief we are often flooded with intense feelings and may find that we are not able to function in ways which are "normal" for us. As a result, people who are experiencing grief sometimes think that there is something wrong with them or that they are "going crazy." Actually, there is a very wide range of normal responses to grief, and the way in which each person experiences that grief is likely to be very individual.

Among the responses which many people have to grief are some of the following: a sense of overwhelming sadness; feelings of despair or hopelessness; anger at the deceased, oneself, others or God; difficulty concentrating; disturbances in sleep and appetite; feeling guilty about "unfinished business" in the relationship; feeling disorganized and distracted. One of the most common reactions, and one which can be frightening to many people, is experiencing rapid and intense mood changes, including crying frequently and sometimes for no apparent reason.

The grieving process generally follows a kind of pattern or flow. Initially we tend to experience numbness and a state of disbelief. This is followed by yearning for the person who has died, and is often experienced as "waves" of sadness which come and go. As the first, intense feelings pass the person may experience a deeper or more subtle sense of disorganization, despair, and apathy about everyday events. Finally, the person experiences reorganization in which the ability to move forward into life without the loved one becomes more possible.

While the old maxim that time heals is certainly true with grief, there are also things which we can do to help the grieving process. First and foremost is to be patient with ourselves. There is no "right" way to grieve and we should expect that for a while we will not feel or function like ourselves. Openly expressing our feelings and thoughts about our loved one and the impact of the loss helps us to process our feelings and heal. Taking time to remember the good times we had and positive things about that person and our relationship helps us to deal with any guilt we may be feeling. And taking good care of ourselves physically - eating, sleeping, exercising, and being thoughtful about our alcohol intake - helps to minimize possible negative health impacts.

Understanding and trusting that our feelings are normal and okay, and that grief is a process which unfolds and passes, helps us to cope. And sometimes we feel the need to speak with someone outside our family or circle of friends for additional support or to make sure that we're really "okay." Your campus counseling service is an excellent resource if you are dealing with loss and grief - contact them about how to schedule an appointment to meet with a counselor.