ROOMMATES

Q: I've never shared a room with anyone before.

A: Then you're in for an adjustment. You and your roommate will have to work out when the lights go out, when music plays, how to clean up common areas and who gets to make the next phone call. Compromise is the watchword. Everything you're accustomed to deciding for yourself is now a matter for mutual concessions and agreement. Prepare also for a loss of privacy. No longer can you retreat to your room and escape the entire world.

Lest all this sounds discouraging, consider that living with a roommate is a good practice for sharing a life with other people in the future. And if you're at all lucky, having a roommate provides a readymade companion and a friend.

Q: My roommate borrowed my CDs without asking and always leaves dirty dishes in the sink. How do I approach him about this?

A: The best way is the direct way. Mention the CDs and the dirty dishes, and ask that he get your permission before borrowing your things and clean up after himself in the kitchen.

Your effectiveness with this message will depend on how assertively you deliver it. Try not to sound meek and apologetic, because then he may dismiss your concerns. But try not to sound blaming and angry either, as if he's a horrible person; that will make him defensive. In both your choice of words and tone of voice, strive to come across as one friendly, reasonable adult talking to another friendly, reasonable adult. You have something important you want to say, and you assume he'll listen.

While stating your case, make sure also to listen to your roommate and respect his point of view. Maybe you've been doing some pretty irritating things yourself that have been driving him crazy. By listening nondefensively as well as talking assertively, you create a climate for resolving conflicts.

Some colleges encourage roommates to write up a contract at the beginning of the term spelling out living arrangements. Agreements are drawn up about sharing things, cleaning up, the use of drugs, alcohol and tobacco and having overnight guests. Even if your college doesn't have this policy, you and your roommate may want to draft your own written agreement, or at least discuss ground rules.

Q: But shouldn't my roommate know to be considerate? Why do I have to tell him or put it into a contract?

A: You can't take for granted that your roommate, or anyone else, will know what you want or do what you think he should. People aren't mind readers. To get results, you have to communicate assertively, expressing your wishes, feelings and needs and exercising your rights. And to be really successful, you should also consider other people's wishes, feelings and needs and respect their rights, because doing so inclines them to respond favorably.

Consider the alternatives to assertive communications. You could take the passive approach by complaining to your friends about your roommate but not saying a word to him, or by dropping little hints around him, giving him the cold shoulder, rolling your eyes or flashing dirty looks. You might wash his dishes yourself while muttering under your breath. These passive, indirect tactics all have one thing in common: They won't get you very far. Afterward you'll still have missing CDs, a cluttered sink and pent-up frustration.

Another strategy is to go on the attack, acting aggressively. You might call him names ("You're selfish and a slob."), threaten ("Don't do that again or else…") or toss in loaded side issues ("You're really a jerk with women too."). You could "borrow" something of his without telling him. You could break his dishes. These aggressive tactics might feel good for 10 minutes--you're letting out your frustration. But afterward you may feel guilty, and you'll probably have a bigger problem on your hands than just CDs and dishes, since now it'll be his turn to attack. Aggression begets aggression. Soon your room may turn into a war zone.

Remaining passive when you're upset doesn't work. Reacting aggressively is even worse. Your best bet is the assertive middle course of expressing yourself calmly, directly and reasonably while also listening to your roommate with an open mind.

Q: But when I tried talking to my roommate before about the dishes, he screamed at me. How can I stop him from yelling?

A: Possibly you can't. Friendly, calm, reasonable language usually invites a like response, but not always. Your roommate may be someone who can't stand to be confronted and automatically goes on the attack. Some people are like that.

We still think you should express your concerns. Aggressiveness shouldn't bully you into silence. But if he does attack you, it's important to know how to protect yourself. These two techniques may come in handy (but use them only as a last resort):

• Broken record technique:
  Keep repeating your main point no matter what your roommate says or how loudly he says it. Don't get sidetracked by unfair criticisms, irrelevant points or baiting questions. So again and again you might say, "I want you to return my CDs and clean your dishes." There's little the attacker can do--at least verbally--against this airtight defense.
  
  
• Strategically retreat:
  Refuse to deal with your roommate while he's attacking you. Say, "We can talk about this later, when you've calmed down," or "I won't talk about this until you stop yelling at me."

Q: My roommate has this New York accent that drives me crazy. How can I let her know it bothers me?

A: We're not sure you should. While we encourage you to speak up assertively when basic needs and rights are at issue, often little annoyances are best overlooked. This is especially true when the problem is beyond your roommate's ability to change, such as the way she talks. You can't make your roommate be just what you'd like her to be. You're probably not perfect in her eyes either.

When your roommate gets on your nerves, sometimes the best medicine is to visit a friend, study in the library or spend a weekend off campus. Afterward you may be glad to see her, the annoyance forgotten. It also may help to remind yourself of the good times you've had and the interests and activities you share. Now may be the time to suggest a game of cards or to go out together to a movie.

Q: Why doesn't my roommate like me?

A: Her feelings may have less to do with you personally than with your situation. Dormitory rooms are a breeding ground for annoyances. You and your roommate are cooped up in a small living space, both of you are under considerable pressure, and under these conditions little irritations and even animosity can surface. If the two of you didn't live together, you might get along fine.

Q: But what should I do about my roommate? She never includes me when she goes out with her friends, and when she talks to me it's always in a sarcastic, condescending tone of voice.

A: Certainly speak to her about this problem, if you haven't already done so. Maybe she's upset over solvable issues--the personal questions you ask, or your smoking in the room. Once the issues are out in the open and solutions are discussed, she may soften toward you.

But if her dislike isn't based on a specific complaint--if she's made up her mind against you--then there's not much you can do. You can't force her to invite you along when she goes out. You can't write up a contract mandating her to be your friend.

What you can do, though, is insist on civil treatment. You have a right to be treated with respect, especially in your own room. If your roommate is sarcastic and condescending, speak to her about it. Point out what she's doing, and ask her to change: "Please don't make comments about my clothes. If you don't like what I wear, I'd rather not hear about it."

Sometimes roommates get along fine even though they're not friends. They work out a harmonious living arrangement while satisfying their friendship needs elsewhere. So try focusing on your ties to other people. Perhaps then you'll be less upset when she's unfriendly, she won't need to push you away, and the tension in the room may abate.

Q: I've tried everything to get along with my roommate, but it's still not working out. Now what?

A: Perhaps a third party can help. Have you asked your RA or a friend to act as a mediator? With someone else present, you and your roommate may be able to speak honestly, hear each other out and reach appropriate and acceptable agreements.

If even mediation doesn't help, the next step is a "divorce." Arrange through the housing office for a change of rooms. If you feel this needs to be done right away, explain your reasons to the housing office. If the change must be postponed until next semester, in the meantime spend time apart from your roommate. When you are together, try to make the best of a bad situation. A strained but peaceful coexistence is much better than open warfare.