by Dr. Gregory Hall
Bentley College
Most students are familiar with the experience of loneliness. Because
each individual is unique, we all tend to feel lonely under different
conditions. For example, some of us will feel lonely when we are
excluded from group activities, others, when we are deprived of building
close one-to-one relationships.
What is Loneliness?
Loneliness does not necessarily mean being alone. For example, you can
feel lonely when you are in a class with three hundred other students,
in the middle of a party, or at a sports event with hundreds of
screaming spectators.
Loneliness is a painful awareness that you are not feeling connected to
others and important needs are not being met. Loneliness may indicate
that important needs are currently not being met such as the need to
develop a circle of friends or a special relationship. People need
people. Mutual relationships are essential to health. If you are
lonely, you feel the need for warmth, understanding, and long to
share your feelings and thoughts with others.
Loneliness can mean feeling:
- feeling that you are unacceptable, unloved by those around you, not
worthwhile, even if others don=t share these perceptions;
- feeling alienated from your surroundings: lack the attachments
that you had in the past;
- feeling that there is no one with whom to share your personal
concerns and experiences;
- feeling that you are alone and have no other choice. You find it
difficult to make friends and go beyond mere acquaintance.
Negative Effects of Loneliness
Lonely people often report feeling depressed, angry, afraid, and
misunderstood. If you are lonely you may become highly critical of
yourself, overly sensitive or self-pitying, or critical of others.
There is a tendency to engage in behaviours such as the following that
perpetuate the problem:
- You perceive yourself in a negative way. You may become overly
critical of your physical appearance.
- You blame yourself and others for your poor social relationships.
You falsely assume that nobody likes you.
- You do not make any attempt to get involved in social
activities. You expect everyone that you admire to like and include
you in their activities and conversations. If they do not include you
in their social activities you may become more withdrawn, angry and
isolated from other activities.
- You become self-conscious and worry unnecessarily about being
evaluated by others , including your lecturers, classmates and peers.
- You have difficulty in expressing your feelings and in engaging
in assertive behaviour. You are afraid to stand up for your rights
and say "no" to unreasonable requests.
- You avoid taking social risks, meeting people and new situations. You
have difficulty introducing yourself, making telephone calls and
participating in group activities.
- You tend to expect others to reject you.
- You feel isolated, alone and unhappy about your situation.
- You may tend to see things out of proportion or overreact to situations.
What to do about loneliness
Loneliness can be overcome. But it depends on you. It is important to
know that loneliness is a common experience. Loneliness does not have
to be a permanent state of affairs. Instead it can best be viewed as a
signal that important needs are not currently being met.
Begin by identifying which needs are not being met in your specific
situation. You may need to learn to do things for yourself, without
friends and/or learn to feel better or more content about yourself
in general. If you are lonely, do something about it:
Developing Friendships
There are a number of ways to begin meeting your needs for
friendship. Consider the following:
- Seek out situations that enable you to get involved with other
students. In doing things you normally do in the course of your
daily schedule, look for ways to get more involved with people. For
example, eat with others, sit with new people in class, find a study or
exercise partner
- Put yourself in new situations where you will meet people. Engage
in activities in which you have genuine interest. In so doing you will
be more likely to meet the kind of people with whom you have something
in common.
- Learn to be assertive. If you are shy, learn to say hello or
start a short conversation with the student who sits next to you
in class, on the bus, etc. Get involved in class discussions.
- Learn to enjoy life by developing your social skills. If you see
someone that you like, don't just sit there and hope that the
person will come to you. Make the first move. Use verbal or nonverbal
cues to let the person know that you are interested in getting to know
him/her. For example, make eye contact and smile. You can also go
over, say "Hi" and introduce yourself.
- Get involved in organizations and activities on campus.
- Find out about organizations and activities on campus. Examples are clubs, churches, part time jobs, and volunteer work.
Ask for ideas from someone who has been around longer than you have.
- Do some volunteer work. Helping others will boost your self-esteem
and make you feel good about yourself.
- Don't judge people on the basis of your past experiences.
- Give your lecturers, and fellow-students and others a
chance, and try to get to know them. Remember! There are individual
differences in people. Learn to admire and accept these differences.
Developing Yourself
Think of yourself as a total person. Don't neglect other needs just
because your companionship or friendship needs are not being met.
When you are alone, use the time to enjoy yourself rather than just
existing until you can be with others. Whenever possible, use what you
have enjoyed in the past to help you decide how to enjoy your alone
time now. For example, listen to music or watch a favourite television
show.
Make sure you follow habits of good nutrition, regular exercise, and
adequate sleep. Don't let your studies, hobbies, and other interests
slide.
Use your alone time to get to know yourself. Think of it as an
opportunity to develop independence and to learn to take care of your
own emotional needs. You can grow in important ways during time alone.
Avoid merely vegetating (sitting around doing nothing) - deal with your
situation actively. Recognize that there are many creative and enjoyable
ways to use your alone time.
Keep things in your environment (such as books, puzzles or music) that
you can use to enjoy in your alone time.
Explore the possibility of doing things alone that you usually do with
other people (like going to the movies).
In summary, don't define yourself as a lonely person. No matter how bad
you feel, loneliness will lessen or disappear when you focus attention
and energy on needs you can currently meet and when you learn to develop
new ways to meet your other needs. Don't wait for your feelings to get
you going--get going and good feelings will eventually
catch up with you.
REFERENCES
Internet websites:
http://ub-counseling.buffalo.edu/
http://www.odos.uiuc.edu/CounselingCenter/loneline.htm
Lake, T. Dr. (1980). Loneliness. Sheldon Press. London.
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