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Dealing with the After-Effects of Suicide
by Heidi Levine, Ph.D.
Director, Lauderdale Center for Student Health and Counseling
SUNY Geneseo
Loss, and particularly death loss, brings with it a range of feelings and
experiences. We can be overwhelmed with sadness, anger, confusion and a
sense of disbelief. When the death is the result of suicide these feelings
are intensified.
Survivors frequently experience tremendous guilt, believing that if only they
had noticed or done something they would have been able to keep that person
from killing him or herself. They carry the responsibility for that
individual's death, losing sight of the fact that someone else's suicide
is an event over which only that person had control.
Shame is another feeling which is especially provoked by suicides. That someone
we loved was the agent of his or her own death feels shameful to admit, again
largely tied to our own feelings of personal responsibility. This sense of
shame is also a reflection of the continued taboos in our society against
speaking directly about both depression and death.
With the death of most people who were important in our lives we may feel
angry and abandoned. Once again, with suicide these feelings are
heightened. We may think that the person chose to leave or intentionally
hurt us. This anger is accompanied by confusion - we ask how we can be
angry at someone who is now dead.
Another after-effect of suicide is our own questioning of whether life is
truly worth living, worth facing the pain we encounter. If we have ever been
depressed or suicidal ourselves experiencing someone else's suicide can either
be a powerful reality check of how devastating this act is to those left
behind or a sign that suicide is a reasonable way to deal with problems. And
when the person who has committed suicide was a leader these messages are
even more confusing and difficult to disentangle.
The process of grieving for this loss becomes complicated by all of the
questions and feelings we have about how the person died. One of the things
which can help us begin to heal is to separate our thoughts about the
person from those about the suicide itself. We can both be hurt, angry
and confused about the suicidal act and still mourn the loss of the
person about whom we cared. We can also remind ourselves that suicide
is an irrational act born of desperation. The person who commits
suicide is not able to think clearly about his or her act, the great
likelihood that with time and treatment their depression will lift, or the
true impacts of this act on the lives of others.
To deal with the after-effects of suicide we can use many of the same healthy
strategies which can help us cope with loss in general. Openly expressing our
feelings and thoughts about our loved one and the impact of the loss helps us
to process our feelings and heal. Remembering the good times we had and
positive things about that person and our relationship helps us to deal with
feelings of guilt. And taking good care of ourselves physically - eating,
sleeping, exercising, and being thoughtful about our alcohol intake - helps to
minimize possible negative health impacts.
Understanding and trusting that our feelings are normal and okay, and that
grief is a process which unfolds and passes, helps us to cope. Sometimes
we may feel the need to speak with someone outside our family or circle of
friends for additional support or to make sure that we're really "okay." Those
experiencing their own struggles with depression and suicidal thoughts should
especially know that treatment is available and effective. Seeking help and
support can be crucial to us as we move through our own healing.
More information for survivors can be found at the SOLOS website.
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